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Oil prices jumped over 3% because nothing spikes profits like war. Wall Street pretends to be surprised while your next fuel bill starts its villain origin story.

There’s nothing quite like a little geopolitical chaos to give oil markets a glow-up.

Crude prices surged more than 3% overnight as tensions flared between the U.S.

and Iran, proving once again that global conflict is still the best business model for fossil fuels.

Wall Street’s reaction? A knowing smirk. Energy stocks soared.

Traders lit cigars with your cost-of-living crisis.

At the centre of this economic boom-for-some is a not-so-subtle feedback loop: missiles fly, tankers panic, speculators salivate, and suddenly, petrol prices for you and me spike like it’s 2008 again—but with less optimism and more existential dread.

While diplomats call for calm, oil execs just updated their yachts.

Iran’s response to recent U.S. airstrikes has been predictably chest-thumping.

The usual lines about “sovereignty,” “response,” and “strategic depth” rolled off government spokespeople like a TikTok trend on loop.

And yet, even with no major damage reported, oil markets behaved like we were halfway to World War III.

That’s because the industry doesn’t trade on impact—it trades on fear.

The fear that the Strait of Hormuz might be blocked.

The fear that Iranian supply might dry up.

The fear that someone, somewhere, might get offended and blow up another pipe.

Meanwhile, ordinary Australians and Americans are now bracing for what this all actually means: higher fuel costs, more inflationary pressure, and possibly another Reserve Bank migraine.

Because when oil jumps, it never just jumps in the abstract—it jumps straight onto your grocery bill, your power invoice, and your Uber surcharge.

The global response has been a mix of performative alarm and complete inertia.

Western leaders urged “restraint,” which sounds responsible until you remember they were the ones dropping bombs last week.

As for oil giants?

They issued some vanilla statements about “supply concerns” and quietly updated their profit forecasts for Q3.

It’s hard to say who actually wants peace in the Middle East anymore.

But one thing’s for sure—Big Oil doesn’t.

Every drone strike is a dividend. Every escalation is another quarter in the jackpot.

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