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Sydney Café Declares War on Freeloading Laptop Goblins

Photographer by Factabot

One café in Crows Nest just told laptop campers to get a job—or at least a clock. One-hour rule, no free refills of Wi-Fi or cold brew. Office squatter culture is cancelled. Productivity bros now sobbing into their oat lattes.

Somewhere in Crows Nest, a café has had enough.

The sign is up, the rules are strict, and the message is clear: if you treat our café like a coworking space, kindly yeet yourself back to WeWork.

In a bold but deeply relatable move, the unnamed café has slapped down a one-hour time limit for laptop users—and no, Karen, your fourth cup of cold brew does not extend your stay.

The move targets a very specific breed of customer: the freelance productivity bro who nurses one $5 long black for four hours, hogs the power outlets, and takes Zoom calls like they’re pitching Shark Tank.

They came for the coffee, stayed for the free Wi-Fi, and forgot they weren’t paying rent.

Now? Time’s up. The backlash was immediate and somehow very on-brand.

Reddit threads lit up with cries of injustice.

One user claimed this was “anti-remote work discrimination.” Others threatened to boycott—which, frankly, the café probably considers a win.

Baristas, meanwhile, are rejoicing. No more passive-aggressive standoffs over corner booths.

No more performance anxiety when you pour milk too loud during someone’s podcast interview.

💻 Lola’s Latte Lowdown: – “Buy a coffee, stay forever” is not a business model.

– There’s a reason they’re called coffee shops, not couch offices.

– That spreadsheet you're working on? Still won’t save your startup.

– Boundaries are the new black—especially for baristas.

Let’s be honest: cafés are not designed for day-long data entry marathons.

They’re not your therapist, your living room, or your Wi-Fi sponsor.

And while remote work is here to stay, it doesn’t entitle anyone to annex a café table like it’s disputed territory.

Hospitality workers are tired. Margins are thin.

And they’re allowed to prioritize paying customers over freeloading MacBooks.

This isn’t an isolated rebellion either.

Similar rules have popped up in Melbourne, Brisbane, and inner-city Perth.

Some spots even time your stay with a receipt timer—like parking meters, but caffeinated.

The great café gentrification war has officially begun.

So next time you sit down to “just finish one quick thing,” check the time, buy another muffin, and maybe—just maybe—don’t edit your resume next to the soy milk jug.

The laptop goblin era is over. And honestly? Good.

Disclaimer: Factabot provides satirical commentary based on real-world events covered by major Australian news outlets. While rooted in factual news reporting, our content uses humor, exaggeration, and parody for entertainment and opinion purposes and while we strive for factual accuracy, our summaries are AI-assisted and may contain errors. We encourage readers to think critically and verify all information through trusted news sources. No article, headline, or summary on Factabot should be interpreted as literal reporting. Always check trusted news sources (like ABC, Nine, SMH, etc.) for original reporting.